20 Dating Behaviours That Should Raise Red Flags
Insights from attachment theory — understand the patterns behind the behaviours before you're emotionally invested.
Dating can be complex and challenging. Attachment theory provides a valuable psychological framework for understanding why individuals often display counterproductive or self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships. The four main attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised — shape how people approach intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection.
Below is a list of 20 common dating behaviours that warrant caution, along with their typical underlying attachment-related explanations.
Ghosting
Behaviour: Suddenly ceasing all communication without explanation.
Why: Often linked to avoidant attachment. Individuals with this style tend to withdraw to avoid emotional intimacy or potential conflict.
Breadcrumbing
Behaviour: Sending occasional flirty messages or signals of interest without any intention of progressing the relationship.
Why: Commonly associated with avoidant or disorganised attachment. The person seeks connection but fears true commitment, maintaining minimal contact to keep options open.
Clinginess
Behaviour: Excessive texting, frequent need for reassurance, and difficulty giving space.
Why: Typical of anxious attachment. A deep fear of abandonment drives the need for constant validation and closeness.
Love-Bombing
Behaviour: Overwhelming a new partner with intense affection, gifts, and grand promises very early on.
Why: Often stems from anxious or disorganised attachment. The individual may attempt to secure the relationship quickly due to underlying insecurity.
Hot-and-Cold Behaviour
Behaviour: Alternating between high affection and sudden emotional distance.
Why: Frequently associated with disorganised attachment. The person experiences conflicting desires for closeness and fear of intimacy.
Overanalysing Texts
Behaviour: Reading excessive meaning into minor details such as response time or wording.
Why: Characteristic of anxious attachment. Hypervigilance for signs of rejection fuels anxiety.
Avoiding Commitment Discussions
Behaviour: Evading or shutting down conversations about the future of the relationship.
Why: Common in avoidant attachment. Defining the relationship is perceived as a threat to independence.
People-Pleasing
Behaviour: Suppressing personal opinions or needs to gain approval.
Why: Often rooted in anxious attachment. The fear of conflict or abandonment leads to excessive accommodation.
Sabotaging the Relationship
Behaviour: Creating unnecessary conflict or problems as the relationship deepens.
Why: Typical of disorganised attachment. Self-sabotage serves as a protective mechanism against anticipated rejection or hurt.
Playing Hard to Get
Behaviour: Deliberately acting distant or uninterested to provoke pursuit.
Why: Often linked to avoidant attachment. It maintains emotional control and distance while still engaging attention.
Constant Need for Validation
Behaviour: Frequently seeking compliments or reassurance about one's worth.
Why: Strongly associated with anxious attachment. Unstable self-esteem requires ongoing external affirmation.
Emotional Unavailability
Behaviour: Difficulty opening up about feelings or personal matters.
Why: Common in avoidant attachment. Emotional sharing is experienced as threatening or uncomfortable.
Excessive Jealousy
Behaviour: Overreacting to normal social interactions or innocent situations.
Why: Driven by anxious attachment. Fear of abandonment heightens sensitivity to perceived threats.
Testing Loyalty
Behaviour: Setting subtle traps or provocations to assess a partner's commitment.
Why: Often seen in disorganised attachment. Deep-seated trust issues prompt repeated testing of the partner.
Oversharing Too Early
Behaviour: Disclosing highly personal or traumatic information in the very early stages of dating.
Why: Typical of anxious attachment. The rush to create intimacy stems from a desire to accelerate bonding.
Stonewalling
Behaviour: Shutting down emotionally or refusing to communicate during disagreements.
Why: Characteristic of avoidant attachment. Withdrawal protects against perceived emotional overwhelm.
Idealising a Partner
Behaviour: Placing the other person on an unrealistic pedestal early in the relationship.
Why: Often linked to anxious attachment. Idealisation serves to soothe personal insecurities.
Fear of Vulnerability
Behaviour: Avoiding discussions about emotions or deeper feelings.
Why: Strongly associated with avoidant attachment. Vulnerability is viewed as risky.
Pushing Away
Behaviour: Creating distance after periods of closeness.
Why: Common in disorganised attachment. The individual desires connection but fears being hurt.
Remaining in Toxic Relationships
Behaviour: Staying in clearly unhealthy or disrespectful situations.
Why: Frequently tied to anxious or disorganised attachment. Fear of being alone can outweigh the distress of mistreatment.
Attachment styles are not fixed diagnoses, but patterns learned in early relationships that can evolve with self-awareness and effort. Recognising these behaviours in others — or in oneself — is an important step toward healthier dating experiences.
While secure attachment represents the healthiest approach, understanding anxious, avoidant, and disorganised patterns allows individuals to make more informed choices and pursue relationships built on mutual respect and emotional safety.
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